The Two Kinds of Perfectionism (and Why One Silences You)
We talk about perfectionism like it’s one thing — “I’m just a perfectionist.”
But it isn’t always the same flavour.
There’s a kind that can make you better: you care about quality, you enjoy improving, you feel proud when something lands well.
And there’s a kind that makes you quieter: you overthink, you delay, you avoid finishing because the standard in your head keeps rising.
Psychology sometimes calls these adaptive vs maladaptive perfectionism.
Let’s make that less clinical:
Supportive perfectionism → “I care about this, I want to do it well, and I can recover if it’s not perfect.”
Silencing perfectionism → “If this isn’t excellent, it’s a problem — and so am I.”
Same desire to do good work. Very different impact on your nervous system.
Here’s how to tell the difference (and what to do next).
1. Supportive perfectionism: the kind that helps you grow
This is the one we want to keep.
It’s the part of you that:
likes to refine your classes/sessions/projects,
enjoys learning and upskilling,
wants your work to feel aligned and thoughtful,
gets satisfaction from “I did that well.”
What it sounds like:
“That was good. Next time I’ll try ___.”
“I’m proud of that one.”
“Let me practise this again.”
“I can ask for feedback.”
What it does to your system: it might stretch you, but it doesn’t shame you. You still feel allowed to show up. Mistakes become information, not proof you shouldn’t be doing this.
Supportive perfectionism is basically healthy striving. It’s connected to your values (I care about people, I care about beauty, I care about clarity). It pulls you forward.
Keep this one. It’s your standard, but it’s also on your side.
2. Silencing perfectionism: the kind that makes you disappear
This is the one most of us mean when we say “my perfectionism is getting loud.”
It’s the part that says:
“Do it perfectly or don’t do it.”
“If it’s not as good as hers/theirs, what’s the point?”
“You did it… but you could have done it better.”
“You’re not ready yet.”
“You should know this by now.”
Notice the tone? Supportive perfectionism talks about the work. Silencing perfectionism talks about you.
What it does to behaviour:
you delay sharing your creative work,
you don’t launch your offer,
you take ages to reply/send/apply,
you over-edit tiny things,
you stop mid-project because it’s “not good enough anymore.”
So on the surface it looks like procrastination. Underneath? It’s protection. If I don’t put it out, I can’t be judged. If I never finish, I never have to find out.
Why it’s exhausting for the nervous system: silencing perfectionism attaches your worth to the output. So every task feels high-stakes. Of course your body goes into fight–flight and you suddenly “don’t have energy” to do the thing.
How to tell which one you’re in
Ask yourself three quick questions:
Do I still feel allowed to show up, even if it’s not perfect?
Yes → probably supportive
No → silencing
Is the standard linked to my values or to comparison?
Values (“I want this to feel intentional”) → supportive
Comparison (“it has to look like theirs”) → silencing
Do I feel energised or contracted after thinking about it?
Energised → supportive
Contracted / avoidant → silencing
If two out of three lean “silencing,” it’s time to soften the rules.
What to do when the silencing kind shows up
1. Name it.
“I’m in the silencing version of perfectionism right now.”
Just calling it out makes it less fused with your identity.
2. Make it smaller.
Perfectionism loves distance (“I’ll do it properly on the weekend”). Your nervous system loves immediacy (“I’ll do 15 minutes now”). Shrink the task to what you can do with the energy you actually have.
3. Separate you from the work.
“This isn’t perfect” ≠ “I’m not good enough.”
Try: “This draft isn’t done yet.” or “I’m still learning this format.” Keep it about the thing, not the self.
4. Reintroduce self-compassion.
Most people think “being softer on myself will make me stop trying.” It’s usually the opposite. Kindness reduces shame, and when shame drops, showing up gets easier. Try telling yourself: “It makes sense this feels hard — and I can still take a small step.” Kind, not lenient.
5. Act anyway.
Not every thought needs to be believed to be moved through. You can notice the perfectionist story (“this isn’t good enough yet”), name it, and still do the values-aligned action — send the email, practise for 10 minutes, publish the draft, attend the class. Even a tiny action breaks the perfectionism → avoidance loop.
Why this matters right now (heading into the new year)
End of year is prime time for silencing perfectionism. You start looking at what you didn’t do, what you “should” have launched, the habits that didn’t stick. If you go into 2026 carrying that version, you’ll make big, shiny plans that your nervous system will reject.
If, instead, you carry supportive perfectionism — “I care, I’m learning, I can grow in public” — you’ll make smaller, repeatable plans you can actually keep.
Keywords: types of perfectionism, adaptive vs maladaptive perfectionism, self-silencing, creative block, nervous-system safe growth
